At 40, it was her first. She didn’t think much about it. Why would she? The only breast cancer in her family had been found in her elderly grandmother.
The first surprise came in the form of a callback for a second mammogram. Something just wasn’t right. However, it didn’t stop there.
A biopsy and tests revealed the terrifying diagnosis -- Jenny had breast cancer. In an instant, her life was turned upside down -- and so was her sense of sexy.
On May 13, 2015, she said goodbye to the physical security of completeness that she had always known. Jenny had her left breast removed and reconstruction performed.
Though reconstruction helped to ease the adjustment, she was forced to face a new reality. That reality was how to find a renewed sense of sexy.
The truth is that our bodies change -- whether it's the result of disease, like Jenny’s, or a simple struggle with the changes of age. This can make it darned near impossible to feel sexy at all.
That said, finding your inner sexy is definitely achievable. Following are eight tips that women just like you want you to know.
1. Know that you’re imperfectly perfect.
To feel sexy, you’ve got to embrace yourself -- as you are. Flaws included.
“Sexy is liking yourself, even though you’re not perfect,” says Beth Carson, 44. “It’s being kind to yourself and disrupting the fictitious supermodel standard. You’ve got to greet yourself in the mirror with a genuine smile and say ‘Hey, Beautiful!’”
This means knowing that you are truly unique. You’re a one-of-a-kind blueprint that’s like no other.
“I'm the only me out there,” Carson says. “And if I sit back and hide, the world is missing out on someone fun.”
Remind yourself daily that you are awesome -- just as you are. If you have to, write it down on a sticky note and put it on the mirror. This is a constant reminder of your commitment to feel sexy.
2. Love your body.
Feeling sexy means accepting your body exactly as it is. Sure, our bodies change. That said, you’ve got to move past self-limiting beliefs.
“I’m finding that I have to dig deep for motivation -- and it has to be about something other than being a certain size or looking a certain way. It has to be about health, spending time with my family and being around for a while,” Shimon says.
Part of this is refocusing your attitude when times get tough. After all, positive self-image is a choice.
“Of course I have bad days like anyone else,” Shimon says. “I’m more self-conscious about myself than I have been since high school. And in terms of my mastectomy, I feel weird. I know my reconstruction looks phenomenal, but it doesn’t look the same.”
Finding peace in looking different is one of the most important things that you can do for yourself. This unlocks a whole new sense of sexy.
“It’s been a journey in terms of accepting and realizing that I wasn’t supposed to be the same,” Shimon says. “But of course I’m not supposed to be the same after they tell me I have cancer. That’s a life-altering sentence. So if I’m not supposed to be the same, why should I look the same and think that’s supposed to be sexy?”
Today, make it a point to look at changes in your body differently. They’re a part of you. And embracing them will create a sense of sexy you didn’t know you had.
“To me, those scars are nothing more than proof that you’re stronger than whatever tried to hurt you,” Shimon says.
What changes are you fighting? And how would accepting them change your view of yourself? You might just be surprised as to what you find.
3. Do the things you love.
Who are you? Seriously. As we age, it’s easy to forget the things that make us tick. However, this can lead to a drab, washed out feeling. To combat this, it’s important to remember to do the things you love.
“I think each person has an individual ‘need’ for staying sexy,” says Davina Frederick, 50. “For some women, it may be making time for the things they love to do -- like art or dance. And for other women, it could be embodying a certain type of style.”
Frederick says that she feels sexy by staying fit. This is her key to feeling young.
“For me, I think health and fitness are the fountains of youth. Healthy, fit women feel confident -- and it shows,” says Frederick. “In particular, (I like) lifting weights, eating whole foods, drinking water several times a day and sleeping well (not always easy as we get older, I know).”
Make a list of all of the things you love to do and the schedule time to do them. This could be as simple as a “date” with yourself once a month. No amount of time invested in yourself is too little.
4. Give yourself permission to feel joy.
Joy and sexiness go hand in hand. That’s because joyful people exude a sort of “je ne sais quoi.”
Shimon says that the key to reaching this point is simple: Give yourself permission to feel joy.
But how do you do this?
“Don’t pretend,” says Shimon. “For example, in my 20s when I tried to feel sexy, it was like an effect. I was someone I wasn’t. I was being disingenuous. Now I’m just me -- and if you like it, great. If not, I’m not your cup of tea. I can let that go a lot easier.”
It's important to focus on the little things. In truth, these gestures add up.
“What makes you smile? Where is your sense of humor? What makes you laugh? Go towards those things,” Shimon says. “And whatever makes you feel bad about yourself, try to get that out of your life as much as you can.”
By doing this, you will find something life-changing. That “something” is simple, untouched joy.
“You can’t let your fear rob you of today. It doesn’t add anything to your life. All it does it take,” Shimon says. “Joy is its own reward. It adds smile and purpose. If you’re feeling joy, there’s a sense of tranquility. And that whole package is sexy.”
In which parts of your life can you find joy today? Make it a habit to take note of these instances.
5. Be confident without needing approval.
Many of us were brought up with a need for approval. However, ditching this attitude just might be the key to feeling sexy with age.
“I believe feeling sexy comes from an inner confidence and detachment -- not needing or wanting approval from others,” says Aimee Kunau, 46. “With maturity comes the realization that what other people think of me is not my concern. This frees me to only pursue those things that make me my best, happiest, sexiest self.”
This can also apply to approval from a man. After all, it’s your opinion of yourself that matters most. Even if you’re single.
“Sexy is being happy by yourself, and if someone comes along that adds to your life, you join up with them,” Carson says. “But until someone comes along and makes you smile, you are happy on your own.”
And it can apply to just being you.
“I believe it's all in the attitude despite what the scale or the mirror might say,” says Laurie Blake Plummer, 50. “And it has nothing to do with whether I have makeup on or if my hair and clothes look nice. It's inner beauty and how my soul feels…that makes me feel sexy.”
And of course, this applies to confidence in the bedroom.
“I find I have a calm confidence in my human form that only has come with age and maturity,” says Kris Hohulin, 42. “You accept the subtle flaws as marks of life and living. I enjoy my body more with a man now because I am able to explore sexuality without judgment.”
Where do you lack confidence? And how would a more confident attitude change your life? Give this some thought as you go about your day.
6. Get sexy, girl.
Ever heard the term “act as if?” There’s more than a little truth to this philosophy. That’s because acting “as if” can take you from funk to fabulous.
But where do you start if you’re down in the dumps? Maybe it’s with a hot lipstick that makes you feel, well, vavoom.
“A nice, bold lip is so sexy,” says Mary Cipri Horst, 47. “It makes me feel fierce. With no lipstick, I feel plain and blah. But with lipstick, I feel ready to face the world.”
A hot set of heels can help as well.
“I wear heels whenever possible,” Horst says. “Sometimes I wear them at home just for fun. Heels are also part of my fierce persona.”
Make a date with yourself to act “as if.” Get out that lipstick and make yourself into a masterpiece. You’ll be feeling sexy in no time.
7. Never compromise your values.
As we age, it’s easy to get lax in what we believe. But doing this affects your level of confidence, which kills your sense of sexy.
“If you can’t articulate and stand for something, you stand for nothing,” says Kristin Lund, 45. “Know your values -- and know how you’ll handle people who don’t share those values.”
But why does this directly link to feeling sexy?
“This makes you feel sexier because when you stand for principles and values, it’s much more fun to look in the mirror every day,” Lund says. “If you believe in being fit, then eat healthy and go to the gym. If you believe in honesty, then be honest. But don’t make excuses when you don’t meet your expectations. Either meet them or be honest with yourself when you don’t. “
Standing by what you believe adds a sense of inner strength as well.
“This makes you less of a victim,” Lund says. “So if some person comes along who doesn’t hold the same values as you, you can handle your own needs.”
So go back to your roots. What do you really stand for? The answer just might make you feel a little sexier.
8. Be your own best friend.
Think about how good your best friend makes you feel. She’s accepting -- no matter what. And she loves you on good days and bad.
This concept is one of the most important when it comes to feeling sexy. You’ve got to learn to be your own best friend.
“Growing up, my mom MADE us spend time alone,” says Theresa St. John, 57. “In the summer if we were home, she'd tell us to go find something to do, say, from 1-3. This made us find things to do that made us smile, laugh and be creative.”
With this independence comes a type of unparalleled confidence. That is, the ability to be confident when you’re alone.
“I know a gazillion people who hate spending time alone. They shake their heads when I tell them I travel alone, go out to eat alone or go to movies alone,” St. John says. “But I don't have to wait for company (though I love having company). I am my own company -- and liking myself is a huge part of that. Liking myself makes me comfortable with unabashed emotions -- feeling sexy about ME comes from being comfortable with and in my own skin.”
So make it a point to spend time with YOU. Do something you love, and do it alone. You’ll be amazed at just how sexy you feel.