If you’re like many women in America, you spent the late '90s and early 2000s glued to the tube watching Sex and the City. And if you didn’t, you might be hooked on reruns.
That’s because the dynamics of female friendships are addictive. They ebb and flow like relationships. We share our deepest, darkest secrets with our besties. And at times, we fight with them like lovers.
But what happens when things take a turn for the worse? And how do you know if your friendship is actually toxic?
To get to the bottom of toxic friendships, you’ve got to know just what this term means. A toxic friendship is one that doesn’t serve you well. In other words, it’s a friendship that does more harm than good, taking more from you emotionally than it gives.
"I would say it's someone who, after spending time with them, makes you feel bad about yourself instead of good; someone who tends to be critical of you -- sometimes in a subtle way and sometimes not so subtle…” Jenn Berman, Ph.D., a psychologist in private practice in Beverly Hills, Calif., tells WebMD.
The most important sign of a toxic friendship is a friend who makes you feel bad. In truth, friends should make you feel good. And while they might not always agree with your views, they should make you feel supported and loved -- even in the face of dispute.
Though the line can seem blurred, friendships turn toxic when one party drains the other. It’s like a bank account. When you’re in the red, you’ve reached a level of toxicity that isn’t healthy.
This can happen when a friend begins to drain you emotionally. Or it can happen when a friend becomes abusive.
"If every time I'm talking with someone they are saying things like 'this is awful, this always happens to me' this is a red a flag," Karen Valencic, founder of Spiral Impact and an expert in conflict resolution, told CBS News.
For example, if a friend is a constant Debbie Downer, this may be a sign of a toxic friendship. After all, friendship is a two-way street. It’s not just about your problems or hers. It’s about joining up as a team to spend time together and leaning on one another for mutual guidance and support.
Friends who are overly critical can be considered toxic. If your friend kindly tells you that while you look great, your jeans are too tight, then that’s girl code for “I’m trying to help you better yourself.” But if your friend constantly nags about every little thing and puts you down, you’ve got a problem. This is where a line needs to be drawn.
That said, it’s important to be aware of what your friends are going through. In other words, you don’t want to be heartless. If your friend is having a tough time, cut her some slack. However, if your friendship becomes a constant struggle, it might not be the healthiest situation for your overall growth and wellbeing.
Really, it all comes down to trust and security. You need to determine first if a friend is trustworthy. For example, if you don’t feel as if you can trust her with your husband or boyfriend, that’s a red flag.
In addition, it’s a matter of shared values. If you’re constantly questioning your friend’s values, there may not be enough substance to hold the friendship together. While this is painful, it’s one of the hard truths about lasting friendships.
Further, friendships are about improving one another’s lives. At the end of the day, you want your friendships to better your circumstances. However, if there is no benefit in the way of positivity, the stars may not line up.
That’s when you make one of two decisions. You either take a break, or you break up.
Taking a break is similar to a break that couples take in romantic relationships. It means that while you’re not officially ending the friendship, you’re stepping back. You’re giving your bestie room to sort out her issues in hopes that the friendship can be mended in the future.
“This is when you try to set some limits. And when you find a friend who doesn’t respect your boundaries, it’s good to take a break,” says Christopher Holly, a licensed clinical social worker. “You tell them that ‘There’s only so much I can do to maintain this relationship, and I need to let it go for the time being.’”
But breaking up is an entirely different story. This takes place when you are really and truly done and ready to move on. Before you make this life-changing decision, you need to let your friend know that there’s trouble ahead if things don’t change.
“Tell them what you don’t like and what you’re not comfortable with,” Holly says. “You want to be clear about what your expectations are and make sure that your boundaries are well understood.”
If things don’t change, that’s when you might want to take a look at ending the friendship. This is a big decision, so don’t take it lightly.
“Breakups should happen when your boundaries have been violated over and over again, and your friend doesn’t seem to care,” Holly says. “This happens when somebody has been inappropriate in the way they are talking to you or when you feel like you’re being used or taken advantage of.”
There’s a protocol when it comes to breaking up with a friend. That’s because communication and closure are key when it comes to your own health and wellbeing.
“You want to be clear that you don’t want them to be a part of your life anymore,” Holly says. “It’s not that you’re trying to let someone down easy. You’re trying to preserve your own well-being and indicate that this is an unwavering decision.”
So what do you say if you do find yourself in the middle of a breakup situation?
“You can say ‘I’m not able to be your friend because you’re not respectful of my boundaries,’” Holly says. “Or you can say ‘this relationship isn’t healthy for me at this time. I need people who will respect what I like and don’t like and who share the same morals and values that I have.’”
After a breakup, it’s also important not to beat yourself up. That’s the worst thing you can do when it comes to being able to move on.
“Don’t second-guess your decisions when it comes to what’s important to you and the people that you involve in your life,” Holly says. “Be able to move on when it’s time even though it might be uncomfortable to do so. At the end of the day, your responsibility is to your desires and your well-being.”